What {Choosing Joy} Really Looks Like

Infertility isn’t something I have ever truly opened about here on the blog, until now. I have given a bit of our journey through RJ’s adoption story…

In 2010, Hubs and I decided that we wanted nothing more than to start a family. We figured I would get off “the pill” and everything would just happen. As I watched all my friends get pregnant (as you probably noticed from all the baby posts), I was eager to get started.

After a year had passed, I started to get a little worried and decided not run marathons for a bit and cut back on heavy cardio as this is what “everyone” said was best. I refused to go see a doctor as I knew nothing was wrong with me and that all was in God’s hands and when he wanted us to get pregnant, I would be.

After two years had passed, I started to get a little nervous and decided to go to a homeopathic doctor. I won’t go into depth of this visit, but let’s just say it was interesting, but did nothing more for us, so I decided to just leave it be and pray. During this time, Hubs had been checked and everything was good… or so we thought.

Two and half years had passed and we decided that if by the end of 2012 we weren’t pregnant, we would pray about adoption. Starting this past January (2013), I decided to go to my regular doctor and get checked for a few things, but not venture into infertility treatments. All my test came back great which I suspected (my body is all good). We knew more than ever God was drawing us in the direction of adoption.

Since the moment we were married, we both have agreed that we would adopt. Whether it be after we birthed our own children or before. Now I know what you are all thinking, “Watch! Once you adopt you will get pregnant.” We have heard it all friends! If that happened then we would be beyond blessed!

Well since I have posted those words so many things have stirred in my heart. Let me take a step back.

I have been involved with something called, “Choose Joy” an adoption, infertility and infant loss event that has truly rocked my world! I have met some of the most amazing women and have seen God work in beautiful ways through healing and hope. This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to help plan this year’s retreat with 30 beautiful women. A lot was shared and a lot was prayed for and I walked away with a lot on my mind…not just the planning of the event, but the pain that will come and that won’t be waisted at and through this event.

All of the ladies that are helping put the event together have gone through either infertility, adoption, infant loss and even watched their friends go through it as well. On Saturday night as we all went around sharing our stories, I wept for the hurt that was in that room, but I also wept for the JOY of the hope that God was and is bringing  to these ladies.

So, what about our story? I have always had a hard time empathizing with the deep pain that my friends and family have gone through with infertility, because I haven’t mourned the hope of birthing our own children quite yet.I am not there yet. I mean I know what it means to feel left out, to get bummed it hasn’t happened for you…frankly it SUCKS, but right now God has me more in love with adoption than ever and I can’t wait until we adopt more little ones!

I also know what it feels like to not be “happy” and to still want nothing more than to choose joy through infertility and honestly through life. I also am beyond blessed to have a husband that loves me, prays for me, and loves the path that God has given us. I know that adoption, isn’t for everyone and the fact that we have the opportunity to bring children into our home that otherwise would be orphans is a privilege. RJ was NEVER a plan B! She was the child we prayed for daily, the child that God gave to us. We may have waited to adopt a little later in life, but God knew exactly what he was doing.

Do I get sad sometimes that it has taken us a while to get pregnant on our own, yes. But I don’t get sad for me, I get sad because I know that my husband would love to carry on his name with a biological child. I don’t think our infertility journey of 4 years is over. We still have plans to try for a biological child and continue to adopt until God says were finished. Hey, I may be like Sara and Matt like Abraham 😉 Only the Lord knows.

I have many friends that long for children of their own, or who have gone through some major hurt with losing children during birth and that breaks my heart. I wish I could just FIX it for them, but I can’t. What I know I can do is love them and pray for them and be there for them when they need to vent/cry. I have a blogger friend named Heather (blend) that wrote a great post called, “A letter to my expecting and new Mommy Friends” that was amazing, everyone should read! I know choosing joy isn’t easy and it’s not always smiles…it can be truly a hard choice to make!

So there you have it, it’s where we are at in our infertility journey. Not always joyful, not perfect, not over. We are choosing joy and we have an amazing hope that no matter what, our family is beyond blessed. I love what my friend Heather said about life,

Life isn’t perfect, jobs aren’t forever, home won’t always be home, and every day isn’t wonderful. But, you take it one day at a time, you figure it out as you go, you press on, and you learn from the unfortunate circumstances and hardships along the way.

REAL Question: Has there been a time (or maybe it’s now) in your life that you have needed to just be still and choose joy?